It's been a tough week.
If I was real with myself, I'd admit it's been a rough few months.
But lets stick to this week and really, this post is an excuse to get
all my negative feelings out, and just maybe, see some perspective
and feel happy again.
I'll admit something to
you, that I haven't said to anyone. Here goes …
I feel like my body is
breaking down. I'll explain; I bruise easily, I've had two blood
noses in the last few months (I've never had them before), my teeth
feel like they're gonna fall out – they won't, but I feel like they
will. I've had stomach pains so bad, I thought I'd have to go to
hospital. I've been eating as healthy as I can, and still feel
bloated, almost on the daily. I'm tired even with adequate sleep, and
I'm so stressed and anxious, I can't deal with it anymore.
I know half of this
stuff is not a big deal, or just stupid, I get that. But to pinpoint
what is going on here, comes down to two things. Control and health.
I'm not in control. You
can manage your illness, and dare I say it, have it under control.
Sometimes you lose that control, but if it's not for long, and
regained, things get back on track. I feel like things have not been
under my control for a long time, and its starting to take real
affect.
Health; this has only
just occurred to me, but I can see why it upsets me so. When life is
getting you down, the one thing that gets people happy again is
'well, at least you've got your health'. I feel like this is worth
its own post, but briefly, it's hard to see positives, when the thing
that gets others back on track doesn't apply to you.
Honestly, I've been
finding Crohn's and my heart problems difficult to manage. Mostly,
mentally. Daily, you think about what to eat, how your heart is
beating, and worried constantly about being sick, or worse.
It has an effect on
you.
The other day I saw my
GI for a catch-up, and the intentions were clear.
Tests.
Lots and lots of tests.
Not related to how I've been feeling, no. These are to make sure
things are still going well, or nothings developed etc. So, even if I
haven't been feeling the way I have, these things would be happening
anyway.
And I broke down. I
hate to say it, but my chronic illnesses play a big part in my
everyday. So, when I was told more of those days would be spent at
drs and doing things to check them; bringing them even more to the
forefront then what they already are. I hated it. I didn't tell my
GI, of course. You take it on the chin, walk out of there, and
immediately hate your life as soon as you're back in the car.
It's been a tough week
cough couple of months because I can't escape the chronic
illness mentality. It's more than that, I feel. It's like a prison –
mentally, emotionally, physically, I am trapped into feeling,
thinking, acting for my disease. And it's tearing me apart.
I should be happy for
what I do have. I've been able to get out of bed, I go to work. I've
been making appointments and going out with friends. Yes, I've been
anxious, sometimes hating on where I am or what I'm doing because all
I can think about is Crohn's or my heartbeat. But I'm still there.
And I survived.
One day (hopefully
soon) things will change. I'll still think about what I'll have for
meals, wondering where the nearest bathroom is (just in case) etc.
but I won't feel like it's controlling me. I'll be happy. And for the
most part – and what I really want – I'll be healthy.
