Health and Control

It's been a tough week. If I was real with myself, I'd admit it's been a rough few months. But lets stick to this week and really, this post is an excuse to get all my negative feelings out, and just maybe, see some perspective and feel happy again.

I'll admit something to you, that I haven't said to anyone. Here goes …

I feel like my body is breaking down. I'll explain; I bruise easily, I've had two blood noses in the last few months (I've never had them before), my teeth feel like they're gonna fall out – they won't, but I feel like they will. I've had stomach pains so bad, I thought I'd have to go to hospital. I've been eating as healthy as I can, and still feel bloated, almost on the daily. I'm tired even with adequate sleep, and I'm so stressed and anxious, I can't deal with it anymore.

I know half of this stuff is not a big deal, or just stupid, I get that. But to pinpoint what is going on here, comes down to two things. Control and health.

I'm not in control. You can manage your illness, and dare I say it, have it under control. Sometimes you lose that control, but if it's not for long, and regained, things get back on track. I feel like things have not been under my control for a long time, and its starting to take real affect.

Health; this has only just occurred to me, but I can see why it upsets me so. When life is getting you down, the one thing that gets people happy again is 'well, at least you've got your health'. I feel like this is worth its own post, but briefly, it's hard to see positives, when the thing that gets others back on track doesn't apply to you.

Honestly, I've been finding Crohn's and my heart problems difficult to manage. Mostly, mentally. Daily, you think about what to eat, how your heart is beating, and worried constantly about being sick, or worse.

It has an effect on you.

The other day I saw my GI for a catch-up, and the intentions were clear.

Tests.

Lots and lots of tests. Not related to how I've been feeling, no. These are to make sure things are still going well, or nothings developed etc. So, even if I haven't been feeling the way I have, these things would be happening anyway.

And I broke down. I hate to say it, but my chronic illnesses play a big part in my everyday. So, when I was told more of those days would be spent at drs and doing things to check them; bringing them even more to the forefront then what they already are. I hated it. I didn't tell my GI, of course. You take it on the chin, walk out of there, and immediately hate your life as soon as you're back in the car.

It's been a tough week cough couple of months because I can't escape the chronic illness mentality. It's more than that, I feel. It's like a prison – mentally, emotionally, physically, I am trapped into feeling, thinking, acting for my disease. And it's tearing me apart.

I should be happy for what I do have. I've been able to get out of bed, I go to work. I've been making appointments and going out with friends. Yes, I've been anxious, sometimes hating on where I am or what I'm doing because all I can think about is Crohn's or my heartbeat. But I'm still there. And I survived.

One day (hopefully soon) things will change. I'll still think about what I'll have for meals, wondering where the nearest bathroom is (just in case) etc. but I won't feel like it's controlling me. I'll be happy. And for the most part – and what I really want – I'll be healthy.