I feel myself retreating into my own space. And it’s
isolated, lonely and dangerous.
For the past couple of days I’ve been in bed, watching Ja’mie
Private School Girl, wishing I had that life with a strong, tight-knit group of
friends.
I’ve been eating whenever, sleeping whenever and this isn’t
a Crohn’s thing, it’s something worse.
I haven’t had a flare up in a while, but the fear of it is
keeping me in bed. Every time I do go out, I have this blinding fear and it
makes me actually sick.
On Thursday I had coffee with an old friend. I was only out
for a couple of hours, but while I was out, I began worrying that I was going
to get sick, then I felt my stomach twinge, then I told him that I had to leave
and I did – almost throwing up on the bus ride home.
Once I got home, I felt fine after a while. I ate something
(because I deliberately didn’t eat anything out) and after I had relaxed, I
wasn’t sick anymore. I’m positive my fear and worry of being sick, actually
made me sick.
So I’ve stayed in bed for the past few days.
Then today I got up, showered, washed my hair and went to
have coffee with my best friend. I haven’t talked to her in a while, so I was
glad to be catching up.
I even went to the shops early, got some money out and went
looking for swimwear and tried on a nice bikini.
When I met with her at the coffee place, she was on her
phone texting another friend.
Me being worried after what happened the other day, didn’t
order anything. She called me a ‘killjoy’ and ordered while I sat down. When
she returned she continued texting on her phone.
To say the catch-up was awkward would be an understatement.
She talked to me about all the things she had planned this summer with the
newly formed group I am not a part of (I would have been if I actually said yes
to going anywhere). She talked about the music festivals they’re going to, and
a lunch that they’re attending tomorrow. I did not get an invite, if you were
wondering.
I cannot be surprised. I haven’t been going to anything
lately, except coffee here and there – and even then it’s only with
individuals.
She also asked if I had been invited to such-and-such’s 21st.
I hadn’t. Yep, it was awkward.
Where we’d usually be talking, there was silence. Where
there’d usually be laughing we were looking at our finger nails and around the
place in discomfort.
I’m really starting to think that my negativity with life,
not doing things or going out AND this whole stress of the Crohn’s thing, is
becoming too much and she’s not going to take it for much longer.
So 1: my friendships are disappearing.
2: Work has been giving me less shifts.
They’ve been great when I had my flare up in September and
they still are amazing and understanding about what I’ve been going through.
But I’m a liability. And because of it, even though Uni is finished, I still am
working 1 to 2 days a week.
3: Travel – or lack there-of.
I won’t go into it much because I did a detailed post about
it which you can find here, but I really
need to get away, but Crohn’s is making me stay.
4: Lack of a love life
Not only has my fear of Crohn’s kept my friends at bay, but
it’s also kept any potential guys away as well. I’m not looking for a
relationship, but when it comes knocking I deliberately hold back. How am I
supposed to date, when I can’t even eat anywhere without feeling sick with
fear?
5: Friend’s wedding
So, great news – one of my friends is getting married. And
she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid. But at my lowest, I consider telling her
that she should find someone else in case something happens to me and I ruin her day. Her wedding day is about her and her future husband. Not her friend who has a digestive problem and causes a scene - even if it's accidental.
6: Blame.
You see, it’s not Crohn’s
as such, it’s the way I view it. And I’m letting the fear and stress of it
control my life. I’m really trying not to, but I’m letting myself be consumed
by it all.
7: I’ve stopped living
I feel like I’ve only
gotten my life back, after my stint of depression back in 2012. Now that this
Crohn’s thing is happening to me, I can feel it creeping back in.
I try and put a positive
face on it – that’s what people tell me to do anyway. But its rawness is making
that difficult.
I’ve said most of this
stuff before, of course. I feel like this entire blog is me bitching about
Crohn’s Disease. And I’m hoping with time, that things will be more positive
and I can’t wait to share those moments with you.
This blog is about me
living with Crohn’s Disease. And for the moment it’s more about me dealing with
it – or maybe struggling to deal with it.
While it might be
difficult to read (hopefully not as much as it is to write) it’s an important
part of the process that needs to be blogged.
I’m not the first person
to be diagnosed with Crohn’s and I know through the way I’ve been acting, I
know it makes it sounds like I am but I do know that things will get better.
Just for the time being
I’m still (urgh) struggling with it. Yeah, still.
I see the specialist on
Thursday. Wish me luck!
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