I'm Struggling with it

 I have to come clean. I’m struggling with this Crohn’s thing. I’m really struggling.

I feel myself retreating into my own space. And it’s isolated, lonely and dangerous.

For the past couple of days I’ve been in bed, watching Ja’mie Private School Girl, wishing I had that life with a strong, tight-knit group of friends.

I’ve been eating whenever, sleeping whenever and this isn’t a Crohn’s thing, it’s something worse.

I haven’t had a flare up in a while, but the fear of it is keeping me in bed. Every time I do go out, I have this blinding fear and it makes me actually sick.

On Thursday I had coffee with an old friend. I was only out for a couple of hours, but while I was out, I began worrying that I was going to get sick, then I felt my stomach twinge, then I told him that I had to leave and I did – almost throwing up on the bus ride home.

Once I got home, I felt fine after a while. I ate something (because I deliberately didn’t eat anything out) and after I had relaxed, I wasn’t sick anymore. I’m positive my fear and worry of being sick, actually made me sick.

So I’ve stayed in bed for the past few days.

Then today I got up, showered, washed my hair and went to have coffee with my best friend. I haven’t talked to her in a while, so I was glad to be catching up.

I even went to the shops early, got some money out and went looking for swimwear and tried on a nice bikini.

When I met with her at the coffee place, she was on her phone texting another friend.

Me being worried after what happened the other day, didn’t order anything. She called me a ‘killjoy’ and ordered while I sat down. When she returned she continued texting on her phone.

To say the catch-up was awkward would be an understatement. She talked to me about all the things she had planned this summer with the newly formed group I am not a part of (I would have been if I actually said yes to going anywhere). She talked about the music festivals they’re going to, and a lunch that they’re attending tomorrow. I did not get an invite, if you were wondering.

I cannot be surprised. I haven’t been going to anything lately, except coffee here and there – and even then it’s only with individuals.

She also asked if I had been invited to such-and-such’s 21^st. I hadn’t. Yep, it was awkward.

Where we’d usually be talking, there was silence. Where there’d usually be laughing we were looking at our finger nails and around the place in discomfort.

I’m really starting to think that my negativity with life, not doing things or going out AND this whole stress of the Crohn’s thing, is becoming too much and she’s not going to take it for much longer.

So 1: my friendships are disappearing.

2: Work has been giving me less shifts.

They’ve been great when I had my flare up in September and they still are amazing and understanding about what I’ve been going through. But I’m a liability. And because of it, even though Uni is finished, I still am working 1 to 2 days a week.

3: Travel – or lack there-of.

I won’t go into it much because I did a detailed post about it which you can find here, but I really need to get away, but Crohn’s is making me stay.

4: Lack of a love life

Not only has my fear of Crohn’s kept my friends at bay, but it’s also kept any potential guys away as well. I’m not looking for a relationship, but when it comes knocking I deliberately hold back. How am I supposed to date, when I can’t even eat anywhere without feeling sick with fear?

5: Friend’s wedding

So, great news – one of my friends is getting married. And she’s asked me to be a bridesmaid. But at my lowest, I consider telling her that she should find someone else in case something happens to me and I ruin her day. Her wedding day is about her and her future husband. Not her friend who has a digestive problem and causes a scene - even if it's accidental. 

6: Blame.

You see, it’s not Crohn’s as such, it’s the way I view it. And I’m letting the fear and stress of it control my life. I’m really trying not to, but I’m letting myself be consumed by it all.

7: I’ve stopped living

I feel like I’ve only gotten my life back, after my stint of depression back in 2012. Now that this Crohn’s thing is happening to me, I can feel it creeping back in.

I try and put a positive face on it – that’s what people tell me to do anyway. But its rawness is making that difficult.

I’ve said most of this stuff before, of course. I feel like this entire blog is me bitching about Crohn’s Disease. And I’m hoping with time, that things will be more positive and I can’t wait to share those moments with you.

This blog is about me living with Crohn’s Disease. And for the moment it’s more about me dealing with it – or maybe struggling to deal with it.

While it might be difficult to read (hopefully not as much as it is to write) it’s an important part of the process that needs to be blogged.

I’m not the first person to be diagnosed with Crohn’s and I know through the way I’ve been acting, I know it makes it sounds like I am but I do know that things will get better.

Just for the time being I’m still (urgh) struggling with it. Yeah, still.

I see the specialist on Thursday. Wish me luck! 

When Best Friend's and Crohn's Don't Mix

I'll be honest. I'm lying on the floor of my bedroom, my laptop in front of me. My eyes are puffy, red and the tears are still falling down my face.

The best part of being 21 is the social life; the parties, the coffees, sleepovers, movie nights and lunch catch-ups.

Being diagnosed with Crohn’s and still adjusting to the idea, your social life can be a hurdle. Or is it, the disease is a hurdle to your social life?

Either way, saying ‘sorry, I can’t come,’ is the most used sentence in your vocabulary.

My flare up started in June of this year – I’m still not on medication or have seen a group about handling Crohn’s and for the most part, I’m handling things on my own.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to say ‘no’ to going out since June. The amount of 21^st’s I’ve missed, the parties, the lunches, going to the movies, seeing whatever else – I’ve been missing out.

I’ve become withdrawn and alone. I have my family and for the most part I have my friends; but that’s beginning to thin out.

My friends are 21; they’re young, free, they travel, they see things…and they go to things. Only my best friend knows of my situation. And she’s been amazing with everything.

Then today, my friends had coffee. I was not invited. When I asked my best friend why I wasn’t invited, she said it was because I never went to anything anymore and that I couldn’t be surprised that she’s giving up.

Yep – that made me cry.

It made me cry a lot.

I retaliated.

I got angry and upset. I told the truth.

I explained how frustrating it was for me, how much I hated having to tell them ‘no’, how I hated disappointing them and how Crohn’s Disease is affecting me right now.

I have not heard back from her yet. I’ll let you know what she says.

But in the meantime I’m upset and hurt.

Hence why I am lying on my bedroom floor, tissues by my side and eyes like I haven’t slept in days.

I don’t want to be one of those ‘*whinge*, I have Crohn’s and boohoo me,’ but right now was a time for one of those moments.

I think things will get better after I see the specialist group at the hospital. Problem is, I don’t know when that will be.

I see the Gastroenterologist on the 11^th of this month – If I haven’t mentioned a thousand times already and hopefully he will have news about when I see this group.

I’m hoping praying that this tiff with my BF passes and that not only do we move on and I get invited out more, but that I can positively say yes when I am invited and not let Crohn’s say ‘no’ when really I want to jump up and down and say ‘yes’.

If you have Crohn’s or other IBD issues, let me know. I’d love to hear how you handle a social life and not let your digestive system get you down!