I'm a dil!

I decided it was time for me to get into the dating game. 

So recently I began dating again since I got my first flare up.  

And while I would love to post about how that's all going, this post is about how tonight I went against my Crohn's Rules and stuffed things up. 

Things have been going well in terms of this dating *squee!!* and for the most part, my Crohn's haven't gotten in the way. I've been smart about where we go and what we do for dates. 

It's all still very new - we're still in the getting to know you phase, and he doesn't know about my Crohn's. I'm happy to keep that under my belt for now. 

It's nice to feel young again. 
Even though I'm only 22, sometime's Crohn's makes you feel a lot older. 

Tonight we had planned to go out and see a band. He did originally ask me to dinner, but I suggested something else, due to me not feeling comfortable eating out in public - long story! 

But then tonight, Mum prepared a roast for dinner, and even though I thought about skipping it due to the big meal, I ate it. 

It's healthy, and even though it's heavy, I could use a big meal. 

Now my stomach feels like a bowling ball and I had to cancel. 

Cue me cursing my stomach for not being normal and stronger and not being able to handle one dinner! 

I ignored my own Crohn's rule and ate a big dinner before I had to head out. 

I can do one or the other, but both was too much for my body to handle. 
And I can't ignore the warning signs to feeling ill.
Next time I won't put my fate in my stomach. 

However it would be great, to be able to do normal things even just for one night. 

A Thread I Posted on a Crohn's Forum...

Because sometime's let's face it...being a Crohnie is just too hard!

So I wrote this today on a Crohn's Forum for people who are struggling/need advice/someone to talk to/check in/ etc. basically anything Crohn's related! 

I've had a bad day today - not Crohn's related but anxiety. Crohn's wise I've been fine. I just...urgh, dealing with both (anxiety and Crohn's) just gets too much. 

So while I posted it on the forum, I thought I'd paste it here for you guys as well. 

It's just a reminder that this disease is not easy. Anxiety isn't easy. Life, a lot of the time, isn't easy. 

*Also to my best friend who I bailed on this evening - I'm sorry. I know she won't read this - Crohnserella is a secret identity after all - but I felt the need to type it anyway. 

So here's my rant about anxiety and Crohn's...

I hate to be a ranter but sometimes we just need it. So I apologise in advance for sounding like a whiny...person.  

It's just...so I have anxiety right? Which is fine. And now I have Crohn's which I guess is fine too. But having to deal with the both of them is such bullshit. 

Like, if Crohn's isn't making me feel ill, then anxiety is. And even then if my Crohn's isn't enough to make me ill anxious-wise, it all becomes too much for my head and I end up upset and frightened about everything. 

I worry about Crohn's every day. And it's just easier to stay home because then I don't have to worry because worrying is so exhausting. :'( 

I want to go out and do things, but it's just too hard - and not because I'm Crohn's ill, I'm just...exhausted. And sick of over thinking and worrying. 

To top it off, I've been sleeping a lot! Even when I don't do anything. I don't know if this has anything to do with my medication, but I don't usually take naps during the day.

It's just...I can't have one thing without the other - either I stay in as a loner and be worry free. Or I go out and enjoy myself but be worried sickless & to exhaustion. 

Does anyone else get this? 
Thank you if you read all of that. 

Also I apologise for the white background. But I cannot be bothered to fix it, so sorry! 

An Issue Weighing Me Down

So if you’re a Crohn’s sufferer (urgh, I don’t like that wording but the truth is, it’s a insufferable thing) then you’re bound to have encountered weight issues over the course of your life. 

Whether it’s Prednisone making you gain weight, 

Lack of nutrients being absorbed making you lose it, 

Or a flare-up which is making it go crazy; 

Weight issues are not new for a Crohnie. If you’re on top of your weight and you’re happy with it, then go you! So proud!

The Great Gatsby 

For me, I’ve been pretty good with it - not great though; I’ve always needed to put on more but for the most part I’m happy. 

That was until a few days ago, when I hopped on the scales to find I’ve lost a couple of kilos. Making me the smallest I’ve ever been in a long time. 

I’ve been told by my GI and my cardiologist not to lose weight - if I can help it. And look what I’ve gone and done. 

But the thing is - I can’t help it! I eat, I eat healthily (mostly) and I have a good relationship with food. 

https://aflyingburrito.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/burrito-titanic.jpg

I’ve been noticing I get ill when I get anxious (i.e. every day) and I do get ill in the mornings. So I wonder how much I’m eating just goes through me, and my body doesn’t benefit from it. 

My weight is an issue that has….weighed me down…

The Wolf of Wall Street

But I chose not to let it get to me. Ok, so I need to put on weight - but for the most part I’m happy and I’m (somewhat) healthy. 

My goal remains to keep putting weight on. I’ve faltered this last week and I don’t know why that is, but I know that I can help try and put my weight back on track. 

Crohnie or not, our weight is something that people of all walks of life struggle with and compete with in different ways. 

If you are struggle with weight, no matter what the issues - I wish you luck on your journey and please remember that our weight does not define who we are. 

*thank you to Leo for his input in this post. 

Pushing Yourself

Ask anyone who knows me, the first thing people think of when it comes to me, is that I love comfort. 

I’m a big fan of the ‘comfort zone’ and rarely do anything that goes beyond that boundary. 
Some people call it lazy, others, stubborn. 
If there’s something I don’t want to do, Heaven and Earth couldn’t make me. 

So when it comes to Crohn’s - if I ever feel uncomfortable; if I’m feeling nervous or sick, I decide it’s best not to go out and I inevitably stay at home - where (funnily enough) any feelings of illness magically disappears. 

Struggling with anxiety and Crohn’s isn’t new to me - and can be talked about in other posts, so I’m not going to here. 

However…

I came across the perfect opportunity to push myself the other day. I needed petrol and as I wasn’t doing anything that day, I knew it was a good time to go get some. 
As I was getting ready, I felt sick. 
I felt funny in the stomach, nauseous and I went to the bathroom probably no less than 5 times. 

‘Stay at home. Get the petrol another time.’ 

This ran through my head several times. I began to think that I could just get the petrol another day - there was no reason why I couldn’t. And home (being my ultimate comfort zone) was a better place to just stay anyway. 

But then I did something that I really struggle with - pushing myself out of my comfort zone. 

Since my first flare up last year, I’ve been finding my comfort zone is being pushed to the test as more things disappear out of that zone. Things like going out for dinner, the movies and on occasion - coffee dates, are now things I consider a challenge. A challenge of the mind. 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yep, pushing myself. So getting petrol - which I’ll quickly add is a 5 minute drive - is considered pushing myself out of my comfort zone (depending on if I’m having a good day or not). 

With my mind working against me - ‘let’s stay home! There’s no point going out for petrol then coming back again.’ - I decided I had to do it. I could push myself to go get petrol. 

It wasn’t far and if I drove there and wasn’t feeling well, then I could turn around and go back home again. 

So I got in the car.

I know this is going to sound lame, but the feeling of joy because I had done it, was overwhelming. On the way home I felt so good and even though it was such a small chore, I did it. I could have stayed home but I pushed myself. 

It’s hard writing this - petrol, coffee, dinner, etc. are not thing ‘normal’ people worry about. They just go ahead and do it. I envy these people like crazy. But I must put things into perspective. 

So, last night I had work. I’ll admit it to you, because I can trust you, but for the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been going in. I’ve been having Anxiety Crohn’s and chilling out in my comfort zone. 

But I decided to push myself again. 

And I went to work! Ok another tiny thing people manage to do everyday. But again - perspective. 

Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is hard for everyone. But it’s something we all need to do to grow. 

Whether it’s jumping out of a plane (with a parachute, of course), handing in your resume for that dream job, going overseas, or even just getting petrol - living outside your comfort zone is rewarding and fun. 

Though it doesn’t hurt to wind down and relax in the CZ for  bit. 

*turns on TV* 

Expenses

Crohn’s cost coins. 

That’s really the bottom line here. 

I find (while scrolling through Crohn’s Forums, other blogs, etc.) money is one of those issues with this disease that comes up from time to time. 

It’s the situation whereby you worry and think about everything else before it. 

e.g. 

- your health 
- your life/lifestyle 
-  any operations you may nor may not need to have 
- the ‘why me?’ phase 
- work and/or school 
- social life

The list can go on.  

Then you think about other things; medications, appointments, more (or beginning) operations, referrals, and of course - more medications. 

And these things cost money. 

I had my first flare-up last year in June. Since then I’ve been doling the dosh for all sorts of Crohn’s related things. 

I’ve spent Almost 3 grand - however I do get a lot of it back thanks to Australia’s health System. But I still would be paying around 2,000 of my own money. 

While that feels like a lot to me (and for a 20-something Uni student, it is) I know I’m lucky. There are tons of people who have had to spend more than 2,000 on their Crohn’s - and even more out there spending more on all sorts of illnesses. Easily. 

Then there are people who live in countries that don’t such a good health system like I do here. Then I’m even lucky to be able to get the treatment I need. 

While writing this, I feel like in retrospect I am doing ok - yes, it’s taking a toll on my wallet, but I’m healthy (sorta), happy (mostly - the key is not to look at my bank balance) and I get the care that I need. 

So money’s not a thing people tend to talk about - probably why I don’t see it a lot on the forums, but I feel as though it’s important to talk to your specialist or GP if you are having concerns. 

And I think it’s totally fine to vent to others about your money woes - Crohn’s people need to support each other! 

Imuran. The Beginning

Firstly sorry for the time in-between posts. No excuses. 

Though if I supposedly had one, it would be that I've been using this time to come to terms with my Crohn’s, taking some serious medication and living each day as it comes (a motto I hope reduces my worrying ways).

I'm glad to announce that the Prednisone has been doing wonders for my body. I'm no longer having random attacks and I've been feeling better. I do find that I get ill when I'm nervous or eat the wrong foods, but for the most part, I've been doing well. 

I've even had more dinners out in a public setting. As well as attending movies, work and other factors that make me Crohn’s nervous. 

I still take a lot of precautions when I go out - including what I eat beforehand, what I wear (though as it’s Winter here, layers is working in my favour), I like to know how long I'm staying out, and of course the ever present knowing where toilets are. 

Being able to drive helps. When I make my own way there, I know that if I feel ill, I can just take myself home. 

So, the title. As it suggests, I've started taking Imuran. I have heard mixed things about it (as you find with most medications) and I was nervous when reading through the possible side effects and so forth. 

It’s been my fourth day of taking it and (knock on wood) it’s been OK. I'm concerned about this whole liver side effect as well as the skin. But if Imuran keeps me healthy,  then I think it’s the way to go. 

I hope to be writing more about my Crohn’s in the hope that anyone out there who is struggling can read this and I hope it can offer support. 

Public Dining

So it has been a long time since I've written anything. Sorry. 

Last Saturday I had a milestone I thought was worth noting. 

I ate dinner out in public. 

It’s been a year since my first real flare up, and it’s been months since my diagnosis of Crohn’s. I've achieved little things here and there - banana bread with a coffee date, hot chips out on my birthday. I think I even managed drinks at New Years. 

And finally last Saturday I ate a proper meal out. 

Things I noticed while I was out. 

Pre leaving I was nervous as hell
I even contemplated not going several times. I freaked out and I freaked out some more as I got ready for dinner. 

When we arrived I searched like crazy for a bathroom
Not that I needed one then and there but I knew it was something I would have to know about - for peace of mind should the occasion occur. I was in luck - the woman’s bathroom was right near our table - granted it was the opposite end to where I was sitting - but it was right there - score!

I drank only water  
I was driving, so I couldn't drink alcohol anyway, but I wasn't even going to chance a soft drink. 

I picked something from the menu that I knew was safe
And I had about 10 bites. I also ate incredibly slowly. To the point where the waiter came and took my dish - I didn’t mind though, at least I didn't have to keep eating. The people closest to me asked if I had finished yet. I replied that I had, and they were satisfied. Needless to say, still had a lot of food on my plate. 

I didn't eat any birthday cake while out
Did I mention it was a birthday party? I was lucky; because it was my Dad’s cake that we brought, we got to take it home and I was able to have some then. 

There were times when I looked like I murdered someone because in my head I was thinking worrying about being sick
So yeah this happened a little bit - in particular when we first got there/started having food. Everything I ate, I analysed, making me look like I was a serious food eater. I would also drift off and think about how my stomach was feeling. I can only imagine how murderous I looked when that happened. 

I took photos to distract myself
So this was interesting. I would go around getting photos of people because I found that it made me distract myself from being sick/worrying about being sick. 

On the drive home I couldn't have been better
When I knew we were leaving and it was time to go home, I didn't think twice about my stomach because I was heading to the safe haven that is my house. 

I had a really good time last Saturday - and tonight I have other plans for dinner again - this time a farewell. 

In my head I'm already worried about being sick, what I'm going to eat, how long we’re going to be there, etc. but at least if I go, at least if I try - then that’s worth something, right? 

I also managed dinner a few weeks ago at a friends place. It was amazing - it didn't cross my mind that I could be sick or that I would be. I didn't even think about it till I got home. It may have helped that she lives 15 minutes away, and it was in a private home, but still...every step counts. 

Hopefully I will be on here more - if nothing else to vent and talk about my anxiety with Crohn’s and how exactly I'm dealing with it. 

Period Talk - For When Crohn's Isn't Enough

A large part of this blog is how my body just doesn't want to cooperate with my mind, focussing on Crohn’s and how it affects me.

I want to go somewhere, I get sick.

I want to see someone, I get sick. 

When I try to not let it affect me, it does and so forth.

But I thought in this post I would branch out and talk about other moments when the body just doesn't do what you want or when you want it to.

And New Year’s was one of those moments.

So it was a miraculous…miracle(?) when I had a party to go to and Crohn’s was not on my mind. Ok, so it was on my mind a little but for the most part it was pretty safe to say that I had something a lot better occupying my mind this New Year.

Remember the post about the FWB situation?

Well I've still been talking to him…unfortunately only talking. But I received a message from him (in my post about it, I called him F) asking if I was available New Years. Of course we both had parties to go to that night but there was nothing wrong with ‘catching up’ beforehand.

And if that wasn't good enough news, my Crohn’s has been (somewhat) at bay. But that didn't matter, because I had decided that I was going to go anyway.  I wasn't going to be the Crohn’s patient.

I was going to my friend’s party.

I was going to F's place.

And I was going to have a fantastic start to the New Year.

Then on the 31^st I woke up and went to the bathroom.

I had my period.

At first I was in denial.

“No, no, no, this cannot be happening!” I thought as I went back to my bedroom and into bed.

This wasn’t fair! Why today?

I distracted my mind with other things, hoping that maybe I was wrong. But when I went to have a shower, there was no denying that it had come.

My body decided that today would be the day I got my period. I checked my calendar for the last time I had it, and it had arrived on the 4^th of December. And today was the 31^st.

It was early.

Really?

My body and I are so not on the same page.

To say I was upset would have been a bit of an understatement. For once in weeks I wasn't worried about Crohn’s. I had things in place in case something happened. I knew what to do if something happened and I had thought of everything. I have been taking my medication (not that I think it’s doing anything, but whatever) and for once I wasn't going to let Crohn’s from stopping me being young. And wild.

My period stopped me instead.

It’s amazing how our bodies work.

It’s also incredible how they seem to know how to screw us over at the same time.

When one thing is under control, something else seems to happen.

So I didn't go over to that guys place that night.

But I did go over to my friends New Year’s Eve Party.

I caught up with friends that I haven’t seen in weeks/months. I even managed to have something to drink – mainly because my best friend was shoving shots and all manner of cocktails in my face. And I even ate while I was there! This was a big deal for me, guys!

So I didn't make it till midnight.

Yeah, around 11:30 my body had had enough and I thought I’d better not push it. But I was really proud that I had actually made it to a party and had a good time. Even if my friends gave me a nervous look every time I went to the bathroom – it was only to pee, I swear!

So like I thought it would, my body didn't cooperate with me this New Year’s. It just wasn't in the way I expected.