It's the Little Things

So a crazy thing happened to me just now.

I pooped.

Like a normal one.

I was happy and relieved, quickly realising how sad it was that I was reacting this way. Having a normal BM is not something someone gets excited about – it’s just (or should be) a normal part of life. But for me and other people living with Crohn’s or other IBS symptoms, a normal BM can make our day when our digestive systems are down.

So why get excited about a poo?

It’s probably because I haven’t passed something that normal since last Wednesday. I’m hoping this is a sign that I’m going to get better and whatever it was that was causing my digestive issues all these problems this past week has gone.

I’m cautiously optimistic about my body at the moment. I’m still terrified I’m going to have stomach pains tonight and end up spewing my guts up when I awake.

But I’m just going to take everything day by day and see how it goes.

***

Just got a call from my GI. After having a blood test yesterday, my results are in.

*drumroll please*

Unusual liver reading.

*round of applause*

This could be the cause of my digestive issues – maybe, maybe not. But it means more blood tests...great.

Welcome to Crohnie living.

Things can Change so Quickly

In the simplest term I can put it; I’m scared.

Since Wednesday (5 days now) I’ve had the worst experiences known to me in Crohn’s kind.

**TMI SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT** do not read ahead if squirmish

On Tuesday night I had the worst stomach ache. Then Wednesday morning, I woke to the sudden need to go to the bathroom. I had some of the worst diarrhoea I have ever experienced. It was endoscopy prep medication bad.

That day I ate very little and wasn’t hungry. Diarrhoea stopped around lunch time. Then around dinner time, my stomach began to hurt again and continued till I fell asleep. In the morning I woke with the sudden bathroom realisation again, and the cycle continued.

It’s been that way ever since.

Unfortunately, I thought it was just a stomach bug and didn’t ring my GI sooner. Then it was the weekend, so I can’t ring them till tomorrow.

In five days my weight has gone from 45.5 kilos, to 41.3. HELP!

I just have to sit tight till I can ring someone soon.

I’m scared, exhausted – like, even writing this is tiring me out – I’ve been moody and anti-social.

In this case, things turned on a dime. I was going really well, no problems, then in days my health just deteriorated. I don’t know the cause. The only different thing I have done lately is add 25mg to one of my tablets (on drs orders, of course) but I feel like something so small couldn’t cause this huge change. Besides, the tablets are supposed to make me better, not worse. Adding should improve my situation.

It’s not yet been a week, but I feel like this change has already affected my life greatly. I have been missing out on work – it’s already been 4 shifts I’ve had to call in sick. I’ve stopped talking to friends and replying to things about going out – I don’t want to burden them with what’s been happening and bring them down. And I’ve been lying to my family about how much I weigh. They were upset when they thought I weighed 43 kilos – I can’t tell them it’s actually 41 now.

My worst case scenario is someone is going to tell me to go to hospital; I see that happening tomorrow when I ring the GI. But I don’t want to think about that, and hope they can offer me something (advice, help) that will hopefully get me back on track as quickly as this all started.

Things have just changed so quickly. It reminds me of my first major flare-up. And I don’t want to go down that path of being sick for months, ever again. 

My 2016 Post.

I haven't written one post in 2016. My bad. 
A positive reason for this though is my condition is (mostly) being handled. So there hasn't been a need to write anything. 
I've also been busy this year: I did my honours project, I've been going to work, I go out with friends, and even have been going on dates in 2016 - that's cool. 
I'm still on Prednisone - didn't think I could be on it for so long, but here we still are. 
And I'm also taking Puri-Nethol - which last week got upped, so now I'm taking even more of it. 
My dosage got bigger after I saw the GI last week. I won't lie; I was pretty disappointed when I found out that my Puri-Nethol dosage was getting bigger and not stopping all medication like I hoped. But as long as I'm mostly healthy that's the important thing, right? 
In 2016 I did my second endoscopy/colonoscopy in my life - maybe a post on that to come later...or on second thoughts, maybe not. 
I'm STILL trying to gain weight - at least I'm not losing anymore so that's a positive. 
I received news that one of my friends might have IBD issues - I'm hoping they'll be OK once they have their procedure done. 
Anyway, sorry I haven't been around. But then I'm happy that I'm healthy-ish. I'm sure I'll be posting more...did I ever tell you about my holiday? Ok, I should do that if I haven't! 

Hope everyone has been well. 

I'm a dil!

I decided it was time for me to get into the dating game. 

So recently I began dating again since I got my first flare up.  

And while I would love to post about how that's all going, this post is about how tonight I went against my Crohn's Rules and stuffed things up. 

Things have been going well in terms of this dating *squee!!* and for the most part, my Crohn's haven't gotten in the way. I've been smart about where we go and what we do for dates. 

It's all still very new - we're still in the getting to know you phase, and he doesn't know about my Crohn's. I'm happy to keep that under my belt for now. 

It's nice to feel young again. 
Even though I'm only 22, sometime's Crohn's makes you feel a lot older. 

Tonight we had planned to go out and see a band. He did originally ask me to dinner, but I suggested something else, due to me not feeling comfortable eating out in public - long story! 

But then tonight, Mum prepared a roast for dinner, and even though I thought about skipping it due to the big meal, I ate it. 

It's healthy, and even though it's heavy, I could use a big meal. 

Now my stomach feels like a bowling ball and I had to cancel. 

Cue me cursing my stomach for not being normal and stronger and not being able to handle one dinner! 

I ignored my own Crohn's rule and ate a big dinner before I had to head out. 

I can do one or the other, but both was too much for my body to handle. 
And I can't ignore the warning signs to feeling ill.
Next time I won't put my fate in my stomach. 

However it would be great, to be able to do normal things even just for one night. 

A Thread I Posted on a Crohn's Forum...

Because sometime's let's face it...being a Crohnie is just too hard!

So I wrote this today on a Crohn's Forum for people who are struggling/need advice/someone to talk to/check in/ etc. basically anything Crohn's related! 

I've had a bad day today - not Crohn's related but anxiety. Crohn's wise I've been fine. I just...urgh, dealing with both (anxiety and Crohn's) just gets too much. 

So while I posted it on the forum, I thought I'd paste it here for you guys as well. 

It's just a reminder that this disease is not easy. Anxiety isn't easy. Life, a lot of the time, isn't easy. 

*Also to my best friend who I bailed on this evening - I'm sorry. I know she won't read this - Crohnserella is a secret identity after all - but I felt the need to type it anyway. 

So here's my rant about anxiety and Crohn's...

I hate to be a ranter but sometimes we just need it. So I apologise in advance for sounding like a whiny...person.  

It's just...so I have anxiety right? Which is fine. And now I have Crohn's which I guess is fine too. But having to deal with the both of them is such bullshit. 

Like, if Crohn's isn't making me feel ill, then anxiety is. And even then if my Crohn's isn't enough to make me ill anxious-wise, it all becomes too much for my head and I end up upset and frightened about everything. 

I worry about Crohn's every day. And it's just easier to stay home because then I don't have to worry because worrying is so exhausting. :'( 

I want to go out and do things, but it's just too hard - and not because I'm Crohn's ill, I'm just...exhausted. And sick of over thinking and worrying. 

To top it off, I've been sleeping a lot! Even when I don't do anything. I don't know if this has anything to do with my medication, but I don't usually take naps during the day.

It's just...I can't have one thing without the other - either I stay in as a loner and be worry free. Or I go out and enjoy myself but be worried sickless & to exhaustion. 

Does anyone else get this? 
Thank you if you read all of that. 

Also I apologise for the white background. But I cannot be bothered to fix it, so sorry! 

An Issue Weighing Me Down

So if you’re a Crohn’s sufferer (urgh, I don’t like that wording but the truth is, it’s a insufferable thing) then you’re bound to have encountered weight issues over the course of your life. 

Whether it’s Prednisone making you gain weight, 

Lack of nutrients being absorbed making you lose it, 

Or a flare-up which is making it go crazy; 

Weight issues are not new for a Crohnie. If you’re on top of your weight and you’re happy with it, then go you! So proud!

The Great Gatsby 

For me, I’ve been pretty good with it - not great though; I’ve always needed to put on more but for the most part I’m happy. 

That was until a few days ago, when I hopped on the scales to find I’ve lost a couple of kilos. Making me the smallest I’ve ever been in a long time. 

I’ve been told by my GI and my cardiologist not to lose weight - if I can help it. And look what I’ve gone and done. 

But the thing is - I can’t help it! I eat, I eat healthily (mostly) and I have a good relationship with food. 

https://aflyingburrito.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/burrito-titanic.jpg

I’ve been noticing I get ill when I get anxious (i.e. every day) and I do get ill in the mornings. So I wonder how much I’m eating just goes through me, and my body doesn’t benefit from it. 

My weight is an issue that has….weighed me down…

The Wolf of Wall Street

But I chose not to let it get to me. Ok, so I need to put on weight - but for the most part I’m happy and I’m (somewhat) healthy. 

My goal remains to keep putting weight on. I’ve faltered this last week and I don’t know why that is, but I know that I can help try and put my weight back on track. 

Crohnie or not, our weight is something that people of all walks of life struggle with and compete with in different ways. 

If you are struggle with weight, no matter what the issues - I wish you luck on your journey and please remember that our weight does not define who we are. 

*thank you to Leo for his input in this post. 

Pushing Yourself

Ask anyone who knows me, the first thing people think of when it comes to me, is that I love comfort. 

I’m a big fan of the ‘comfort zone’ and rarely do anything that goes beyond that boundary. 
Some people call it lazy, others, stubborn. 
If there’s something I don’t want to do, Heaven and Earth couldn’t make me. 

So when it comes to Crohn’s - if I ever feel uncomfortable; if I’m feeling nervous or sick, I decide it’s best not to go out and I inevitably stay at home - where (funnily enough) any feelings of illness magically disappears. 

Struggling with anxiety and Crohn’s isn’t new to me - and can be talked about in other posts, so I’m not going to here. 

However…

I came across the perfect opportunity to push myself the other day. I needed petrol and as I wasn’t doing anything that day, I knew it was a good time to go get some. 
As I was getting ready, I felt sick. 
I felt funny in the stomach, nauseous and I went to the bathroom probably no less than 5 times. 

‘Stay at home. Get the petrol another time.’ 

This ran through my head several times. I began to think that I could just get the petrol another day - there was no reason why I couldn’t. And home (being my ultimate comfort zone) was a better place to just stay anyway. 

But then I did something that I really struggle with - pushing myself out of my comfort zone. 

Since my first flare up last year, I’ve been finding my comfort zone is being pushed to the test as more things disappear out of that zone. Things like going out for dinner, the movies and on occasion - coffee dates, are now things I consider a challenge. A challenge of the mind. 

Anyway, where was I? Oh yep, pushing myself. So getting petrol - which I’ll quickly add is a 5 minute drive - is considered pushing myself out of my comfort zone (depending on if I’m having a good day or not). 

With my mind working against me - ‘let’s stay home! There’s no point going out for petrol then coming back again.’ - I decided I had to do it. I could push myself to go get petrol. 

It wasn’t far and if I drove there and wasn’t feeling well, then I could turn around and go back home again. 

So I got in the car.

I know this is going to sound lame, but the feeling of joy because I had done it, was overwhelming. On the way home I felt so good and even though it was such a small chore, I did it. I could have stayed home but I pushed myself. 

It’s hard writing this - petrol, coffee, dinner, etc. are not thing ‘normal’ people worry about. They just go ahead and do it. I envy these people like crazy. But I must put things into perspective. 

So, last night I had work. I’ll admit it to you, because I can trust you, but for the last couple of weeks, I haven’t been going in. I’ve been having Anxiety Crohn’s and chilling out in my comfort zone. 

But I decided to push myself again. 

And I went to work! Ok another tiny thing people manage to do everyday. But again - perspective. 

Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is hard for everyone. But it’s something we all need to do to grow. 

Whether it’s jumping out of a plane (with a parachute, of course), handing in your resume for that dream job, going overseas, or even just getting petrol - living outside your comfort zone is rewarding and fun. 

Though it doesn’t hurt to wind down and relax in the CZ for  bit. 

*turns on TV*